I cried today.
For anyone who has read my pre-November 2013 posts, you know that I am no stranger to depression and so crying at any moment isn’t out of the ordinary for me. As someone who has undergone massive life changes in under 12 months, I tend to think that this recent bout of depression is merely a survival method. But I know better. I’ve spent most of my life running one step ahead of depression. This year I didn’t have the energy to outpace the demon and for that I am subject to “good days” and “moderate days” and “can’t crawl out of bed days.”
Last Holiday season, I didn’t decorate or buy gifts or listen to Christmas music. The mere thought of the Holidays turned my stomach. All the jolly hubbub was an insulting reminder that I was existentially alone. But the child in me adores this time of the year. The lights, decorations, music… it’s the nostalgia of waking up on Christmas morning to a pile of gifts and hugs and kisses. So in effort to combat the Grinch from last year, today I bought a reed diffuser from Target to put in my office. The promise to enjoy the next 2 months begins with the scent of Christmas!
Naturally the diffuser was difficult to open. Children must chug reed diffuser oil as sport. After a massive struggle at my desk that included keys, a plastic knife, and my teeth, I was successful, only pine tree scent sprayed all over my face. Now my mouth tastes like oily pine and I reek of Christmas. *sigh* At least I’m starting off this Holiday season’s festivities with good intentions, even if I’m not proud of my problem solving.
But stinking of fake pine isn’t what made me cry today (though it almost did). The BF is visiting for Thanksgiving. He ordered a turkey from a local farm, one I will pick up the weekend before the holiday. It’ll be so fresh that if I want to, I can pluck it (ew). I’m sure this turkey will be delicious. When the BF called, excited to tell me that next Friday will be our turkey’s date with death, I burst into tears because:
I AM A TURKEY GRIM REAPER! AND I SMELL LIKE FUCKING CHRISTMAS!